Stop telling women to endure.

Marriage can be a blessing and a curse for women. It’s celebrated as a major milestone, but what happens when that milestone becomes a source of pain? Even as the world progresses, stories of women enduring domestic violence and emotional abuse in marriage remain all too common. The sad truth is, these stories reflect not just individual trauma but also a collective failure of our society; a society that still measures a woman’s worth by her marital status and her capacity to ‘endure.’

This year, I found myself immersed in African literature, and one theme stood out: the recurring trauma of women trapped in abusive marriages. What’s most haunting is that many of these books are based on real experiences. These stories hold a mirror to our society, confronting the harsh realities of gender inequality and violence against women that impact millions globally. They aren’t just stories of victimhood; they’re testimonies of survival.

In many of these stories, the root of their suffering can be traced back to their families. Parents, driven by societal expectations or financial pressures, pushed their daughters into marriages that prioritized stability or status over happiness.

"Marry this person so our suffering will stop."

"You’re not getting any younger."

"This man is rich. What more could you want?"

"He loves you. What more could you need?"

In the book, Tomorrow I Become a Woman by Aiwanose Odafen, the female protagonist, after enduring endless abuse from her husband, decides to return to her parents’ home seeking refuge. Instead of support, she was met with cold shoulders. Her mother told her to go back and endure; after all, she had endured her own husband’s cruelty. The mother claimed the divorce or separation would only bring shame to the family. How could a mother tell her child to endure abuse just to avoid shame for the family?

I read a piece by

emma os.

that really stuck with me. She said,

“It’s an understatement to say that marrying the wrong person will ruin your life. And not all women have the strength and support to get out of a bad situation. So we normalize it instead. And the cycle continues. People would rather their daughters get into a bad marriage at 25 than a good one at 30. You can’t tell me you believe that and also love your children. Real love isn’t selfish like that.”

This quote captures it perfectly: how can you claim to love your children and push them into harm’s way?

Real love isn’t selfish; it doesn’t force women to sacrifice their happiness and safety for societal approval.

And the idea that a woman must ‘endure’ is not just confined to fiction. It’s a reflection of real-life beliefs, where patience equals suffering in silence. The women in these stories tread carefully around their husbands, living in fear, silencing themselves to avoid conflict, as their spouses are like ticking time bombs. That isn’t a marriage; it’s torment. And for so long, this has been normalized.

Thank God, we’re seeing a shift. Divorce is no longer the taboo it once was. Women are finding the strength to walk away from relationships that diminish them. Yet, even today, there are still pieces of advice like, "Be patient,” “Think of your children,” “Stay for the family.” "Just forgive him this time. He'll change."

This notion doesn’t just harm individuals; it sustains a culture where women are pressured to settle, endure, and suffer. And when suffering becomes normalized, we fail as a society. It's time we believed that a woman’s worth is not tied to her marital status, and it’s time we stopped pretending it is. Progress has been made, but the journey is far from over.

As we move forward, let’s commit to breaking the cycle. Let’s raise ourselves and our daughters to know they deserve partnerships rooted in love, respect, and kindness. Let’s support the women who choose to walk away from toxic relationships. Let’s remind ourselves that endurance in the face of abuse is not a virtue; it’s traumatic.

And most importantly, let’s remember that real love, whether for a child, a partner, or oneself, is never selfish. It uplifts, it respects, and it sets free.

Personally, one of the scariest things about relationships is the uncertainty. You never truly know someone until you're in it with them. One wrong person can disrupt your life, leaving scars that last long after the relationship ends. It's terrifying to think about, especially when we see so many stories of devastating consequences.

This is why it’s so important for women to know their worth. Knowing your worth means understanding what you stand for and recognizing when something isn’t serving you. It gives you the courage to walk away from situations that harm you. But the reality is, even the smartest, most self-aware women can end up in situations they never anticipated. That’s what makes it so scary. No amount of preparation can fully protect you.

So, I keep coming back to this: we must protect ourselves, our peace, and our futures as best as we can. And when things go wrong, I pray we have the strength and support to walk away. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary because our lives and happiness are worth it. I hope for a future where no woman is told to endure, and every woman is told she deserves better.

Love,

Fatiah💕

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P.S. This is my 25th piece. Thank you for reading.

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